It has been a LONG 8 months. And an even longer 8 years since I was diagnosed and have been battling these two horrific diseases! Some days are better than others. Today is not one of those days. I feel pain everywhere and I feel this anxiety that I cannot accurately describe. It feels somewhere between PMS and early pregnancy, neither of which is even remotely possible for me!
Last year was the first FULL REMISSION that I have ever experienced and I suppose maybe it spoiled me. Because I finally was able to feel what I had not in nearly a decade: NORMAL, SYMPTOM-FREE AND GREAT! Now I am looking back with a sadness, like that of a “lost love”. You see… I did not realize what I had been missing for SO long that I literally “forgot” what feeling healthy felt like!
I am not a “depressed” type of person. I try very hard to hide my misery from everyone, most importantly my children and husband. I put on my “happy”-mask and pretend all is well! Pretending I feel OK is easier than facing the fact that this disease(s) has me by the throat, ready to throw me down and ‘consume’ me. I cannot see the good in giving in to it. Afterall, I STILL need to raise 2 children, 11 and 9 years old, and I’ve got a LONG WAY TO GO!
Hence, tonight I shall bury my sorrows, continue to allude to the fact that I am “just fine” and read another story of “The Berenstain Bears” (our favorite series of books ever since my kids were born!) and pray that tomorrow will be a MUCH better day!
I am thankful for my children and for this time I have to bring them up, even if I am tortured!